Fucking the System, Regulating Mine

Letters From My Lighthouse: How I Stay Alive While Living

My uncle said that after 30 years of drinking your problems away, the pain is different and not in a good way.

I thought about that for a while; how often we go running for things to soothe our pain. Sometimes it works temporarily, but that avoidance also makes it inevitably worse.

I haven’t needed to go fully sober from alcohol, but I’m very mindful of my relationship with it. I try to never drink from a place of pain or distress. I stay away from it with a ten-foot pole when I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. My poor family has scared me straight at their own expense.

My other uncle told me something similar, that he ironically would only ever disclose under the false comfort of alcohol:

He said he wished he’d never touched a drink in the first place.

I realized the other day, that despite my conscious attempts to drink alcohol mindfully, I still use other things to grasp on to in order to numb. One of those things is food.

I would say that my personal issue with food is less the quantity that I am eating, and more the way in which I am eating. I have never considered myself a binge eater, and still wouldn’t, but I notice that whenever I am alone with my thoughts (this is my trigger), I will consume dinner, snacks, and possibly dessert without ever realizing I was eating.

Usually, after this happens, I feel shame. “Was that even good?” “Did I even enjoy that?” “How did I zone out so hard?”

I was researching the other day, and found a study from the National Library of Medicine, that explained how eating can trigger blood flow to the digestive system, leading to a temporary reduction in brain activity. I know without a doubt, that that is what my body is trying to trick itself into doing when I am alone.

Funny enough, my media consumption mirrors my food consumption just the same. Often when I get on my phone, I’ll mindlessly scroll and not even realize that I’m doing it, until an hour(s) later when I’ll check the time and think: “What the hell? Where have I been?” .

We all have heard about “brain rot,” but there is also scientific proof to it. “Mindless Scrolling,” (a habit that I believe is just another numbing mechanism) leads to loss of grey matter in the brain, which is shown to cause a decline in cognition/ cognitive skills.

Sometimes I swear I can feel my brain rotting from the inside out, and yet I still choose to scroll after a long day, as it can sometimes just feel like immediate relief. And that’s all we’re looking for right?

My uncle said that after 30 years of drinking your problems away, the pain is different and not in a good way.

I often think about how we, as humans, are constantly searching for ways to forcibly stop our brain from processing what is going on around and inside of us. But I don’t view it in a “humans are weak and need to toughen up” way. In my mind, it makes complete sense that everyone is trying to numb. Because in a very grounded, honest, non-sensationalized way: our society is a hellscape.

I have been thinking a lot about the “hellscape” lately. About how most media, politicians and corporations are just trying to use the average person as a chess-piece in a larger game that really only benefits them. A key part of their game is to turn us on each other, and it works.

We are living in a toxic combination of many things. We have our hyper-digitalized world. We have the billionaire class taking over society and snuffing out small businesses whilst simultaneously destroying our planet at alarming rates. We have the exploitation of the working class, which has led to a majority of people scraping by and wearing their bones out from stressing about affording groceries, healthcare and basic necessities for them and their families. We have the widespread inhumanity and cruelty being broadcast each day in 3D, while our government either does nothing or supports it.

Then, those same media and corporations will jump in and give us their wide variety of numbing agents for us to choose from, that are on command and, to no one’s surprise, actually only benefit them.

Sometimes the weight of financial struggle, trauma, distress over the world, a shitty economy, and general unrest really force me to focus in on what I can offer my soul. The big corporations want us to believe that the only pleasure and “self-love” we can give ourselves revolves around them. (Can confirm- my credit card statement genuinely frightened me when I was forced to stare at my DoorDash payments after a month off my antidepressants). But I have found that it is radical in our society to resist that idea. Our souls are hungrier than ever, and our world is set up to numb that hunger out in the click of a button. And to be honest, a lot of what I’ve found is that in this day and age, “fucking the system” just looks a lot like regulating your nervous system.

These thoughts have led me to make simple, yet significant choices lately that have helped me feel everything and have aided in my choice to not be numbed and controlled by the “powers” that want us numbed and distracted.

Today I laid my head in the grass and wrote,

No one can have control of my brain, or my body. I am aware of what’s going on, not manipulated. I am not taunted by extremism nor apathy. I will not turn against my neighbor who has the same struggles as me. My kindness will not be exploited, but I will not lose my empathy. Money does not define me. I am honest about what is hurting. The harshness I face affirms what not to be. I believe that people deserve to be happy.

I also wrote a whole list of simple practices/shifts that I’ve been doing lately to find calm and fulfillment in life, when my world feels so unsteady. These things have ended up carrying me through the really rocky/uncertain times that I’ve been experiencing personally.

See, my uncle shared an important truth, while expressing his battle with the disease of alcoholism. His message meant that numbing the pain is really the issue; more-so than the pain itself.

I know that’s why we’re all so sick. Our world is numb and we are too.

Here is the list of simple practices/shifts that I’ve been doing lately that have helped me be a little more alive, a little more mindful, and a little more at peace.

Mindful Shifts and Practices

1. Food.

   Making my own food, and turning to simple ancestral/passed down family recipes for comfort, nutrition and practicality. Some people’s ancestors were voyagers who sailed across oceans and looked good doing it. Mine coughed vaguely in dark rooms, while someone attempted to boil a potato in the distance. But say what you will, they were scrappy as hell! And their resilience and resourcefulness is something that I have tapped into in this season of my life.

   In addition, I’ve been buying more produce and vegetables to use up throughout the week in my cooking and have been frequenting farmers markets/local produce stands more often. It’s not about perfect diet or anything, but feeling connected to the food I am eating. Not only does it help me, it helps the earth, and my community. It’s also been great financially, as I don’t have to rely on buying food every time I’m hungry as I can now whip up something with a few ingredients.

   

2. Sun

   I consider the Sun to be “free serotonin,” and if I’m ever having a rough day, I know it can often be alleviated by spending some time outside. My partner and I started calling it “lizard time,” when make an effort to go outside and be in the sun together if we’ve spent the day indoors. In addition, I’ve found being outside in general is grounding and clears the mind. I’ve enjoyed eating dinner outside more often, going for more walks, identifying plants and birds, and being connected to the real, beautiful world that is functioning and happening despite it all, each day.

   A few things I have done to be even more mindful of the Earth, is to grow a few simple plants. I can’t afford a big garden, but growing a few plants that I can enjoy has been so rewarding. Also, I have been getting better at identifying native plants, constellations, planets, and local wildlife— even if that’s just the type of fish in the lake near my house, or naming the squirrels that frequent my yard.

3. Media

   I have fully released my mind from the push-pull and emotional manipulation that is the media/social media. I consume the news to be informed and aware, and have equipped myself (and continue to equip myself) with the tools to navigate this digital world with discernment and grounding.

   I also limit my time on the one social media app that I do have, to be very scarce. I don’t even keep the app downloaded on my phone for regular use, which I have found to be helpful.

4. Relationships

   I am a hermit and a loner at heart, but I have found that what my soul needs more than that, is relationships with people. In a disconnected world under the illusion that we are all connected, nothing could be worse than disconnecting with each other. Working on having a few, close, extremely solid relationships has been the biggest blessing. Also, I have learned that sometimes the only way to face challenges is to face them together.

   My partner and I have committed to eating dinner with each other every night after work. This has been an anchor and a warm spot in the bleakness of many days. I have also started watching Dancing with the Stars with my sister, because we love Robert Irwin and also why the fuck not! It’s kind of hilarious, but we both switch off making the commute to each other each week, just because it’s worth it to bring some joy into life.

5. Body

   In a non-gym bro way, I have found that connecting with my body through movement is empowering, fulfilling, and important. I have been making more of an effort to be healthy and take better care of my own body. I didn’t realize how out of shape I had gotten until I started working out again!

6. Reading

   I have deleted my social media and have shifted from consuming content/a constant influx of stimulation, to getting back to reading each night. Doing so helps me connect with my own mind, and with the mind of another. This is one of the most beautiful things ever, and one of the reasons I love reading/writing so much.

   I am also keeping a “book journal” of all the books I am reading, my thoughts about them, etc. I have also moved recently, and have gotten to know the new library near me. It’s made my world feel a little more warm and connected.

7. Rituals

   It is nice to have little rituals to fall back and have in my back pocket when I need grounding. I bought a tea kettle a few months ago, and have enjoyed boiling tea each night with honey from the Farmers Market near me. It’s lovely.

8. Animals

   I know not everyone is a pet person, or is in the position to have a pet, but something about having their pure energy around is one of the most special connections. Seeing how untouched they are from the noise and corruption of the world is truly a beautiful thing, and one that brings steadiness and calm into my life.

   

9. Journal

   I used to go through so many journals a week, and while my SubStack is similar to a journal for me, there are of course some things I need to work out, just with me. Journaling is something that helps me feel what I’m feeling, be honest about it, and connect with myself. It has aided me in many hard challenges throughout my life. Writing has been My Lighthouse in the darkest storms, and I wonder if others have felt they have been carried by the practice as well.

10. Talking

    Language is the way that we connect and express, and yet, I often shy away from it for various reasons. Either what I want to say seems heavy, or I’m worried others can’t hold the honesty of what I’m saying. But I’ve been making an effort more, to talk honestly with people: whether that’s my boyfriend, my mother, my sister, or my neighbor who insists on chatting with me each time she sees me, in a way that I’m working on not cringing away from. And so far? it’s been healing.

I hope we can all feel, and be alive, and keep creating beautiful things. It’s still a work-in-progress for me, but I can tell you — choosing what I intentionally connect with, has been life saving.

Pain is inescapable in life, but I am making room to feel every real thing. How do you stay alive while living? How do you live intentionally?

Xx

CassidyJean