Socializing for Dummies (Introverts)
Nobody Gets Me Like Me.
I want to start off by saying that I appreciate whoever the creative team behind Spotify is. If any of them are reading this post (which seems highly likely), they must know that I applaud their work. Spotify Wrapped is something that truly haunts me year long. It’s one of those things that’s always on my mind throughout the year now, like when I realize that it’s my fifth time listening to Boyfriend by Dove Cameron and it’s getting uncomfortably close to Spotify Wrapped potential. At the same time, I love it. I look forward to the reveal as if it’s a New Years gift packaged just for me, that I can unwrap from slick, shiny gold paper. However, it’s just a well-known fact that it can hit a little too close to home. Revealing your Spotify Wrapped is like revealing your true colors; better than a palm reading or a horoscope chart. There’s no hiding from your Spotify Wrapped. You can’t hide behind adjectives or chalk it up to pseudo-science. It’s just you, and the hundreds of hours you spent listening to One Direction on your morning commute.
This specific fact is the reason that I burst out laughing this last year, when I looked at my top songs from 2023. My sister had texted me and asked me for my list, and I was low-key hoping that I wouldn’t be too exposed. Of course, my hope was in vain as I opened my Top Songs, and right up near the top in bold letters, was the SZA song “Nobody Gets Me.”
I have enough self-awareness to get why that’s funny. I may have an alter-ego that is an emo early 2000’s kid who thinks that nobody gets them, but I actually don’t relate to the rest of the song at all. The lyrics are actually about how nobody gets this person in the song, except for this one ex-boyfriend. The chorus reads:
Nobody gets me like you
How am I supposed to let you go?
Only like myself when I'm with you
Nobody gets me, you do.
I wish I could relate, but I don’t think that there is a single person on the planet whom I only like myself when I’m around. I usually like myself most when I’m alone! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like there’s a single person on the planet who really gets me all the way. At the end of the day, nobody gets me like me. I know that can come off as annoying! But… It’s true? And I’m trying to figure out how to navigate it.
I must admit that I’ve never been into palm readings and horoscopes, but every personality test that I’ve ever taken has been clear about the fact that I am very introverted. Now don’t get me wrong, I can play social butterfly as well as the next guy, if I need to. But if left unchecked, I can go straight into hermit mode… and I will thoroughly enjoy it. The problem is, I look around and feel like other introverted people are still able to connect with others and actually enjoy friendships. This does not come easily to me.
I love people, I really do. I would always be there to help a friend in need, but I find that my social limit gets hit extremely fast. I want to do my yoga, read my books, take my dog for a walk, run the park, do my assignments, listen to my internal (and external) dialogue, write, go to work, listen to the perfect music for my mood, while wearing no bra, and cooking three healthy meals that are exactly what I feel like, and you know what? I can’t help but feel that anytime I’m “hanging out” with other people, it just gets in the way of my flow. I’m often left feeling frustrated, thrown off, and desperate to be left alone again. I really need some pointers. Is it possible to be a hermit recluse who loves their solitude and also is able to connect with people and feel centered doing so? I’m at the point where I really want to begin to try. I’m right in the middle of working through this process, but here are some things that I am learning so far, that make being with others a little less overwhelming for my independent soul:
Number One: Do things that you want to do!
I know this one sounds a little silly, but truly, it’s something that I have to remind myself. I tend to become the “yes” person when spending time with others, where I just go along with whatever everyone else wants to do. I tend to have the mindset of “What do I want to do? I don’t know! It doesn’t matter! I’m just waiting until I can go home!” The thing is, I do know, and it does matter. I would absolutely hate to think that I was hanging out with a friend, dragging them along with all of my ideas, and they were busy counting down the seconds until they could leave. I would feel terrible! It would ruin the whole thing for me! This realization led me to the idea the other day, that so often I will just go along and then be dying inside until we can be done with what we’re doing. But, what if, it could be something that we are mutually enjoying and comfortable with?
I realized that something special started happening when I started voicing my ideas on what I wanted to do with my friends: We enjoyed ourselves! So, what I’m saying is: Suggest your thing! If you’re in the mood for a board-game night, or a scrapbook making party, or in the mood to cry and eat Chinese takeout just ask a friend! Then, put both of your desires at the forefront, for mutual enjoyment. Maybe they’re watching their sodium intake and don’t prefer MSG, so they can bring a dinner and meet you on your couch! It’s a win-win. Because both of you being happy, is key.
Number Two: You Can Still Be Productive (If You Want)
If you’re like me, you love your solitude and leisure, but it must exist in a delicate balance. I have to have routine, goals, lists, and schedules in order to not completely lose my sanity. This makes it so that I can go a little bit crazy when a friend wants to hang out, and then we spend all day lounging around, eating junk food, and getting nothing done! I used to think that socializing and productivity couldn’t mutually co-exist, and it would create unnecessary inner turmoil, when a friend would want to '“drive around and find something to do” at 2PM on a weekday. (absolutely not knocking this concept, but for me and my mental stability, it has a time and place). So, I’ve learned that instead of sitting around and catching up, why not talk as we walk through the grocery store to pick up the Sourdough that I need for dinner? Why doesn’t my friend sit on my bed, I’ll open the window, and we’ll talk as I clean my room? Personally, if I am at a friend’s house, I am so down to do this. (Show me your makeup brushes, I’ll organize them!)
Number Three: Honor Your Limits
We’ve all been there: It’s 2 AM, and your friends are all wanting to hit another bar, but you’re tired and have a mandatory zoom meeting tomorrow at 10. Why is someone suggesting something else? You’re starting to get a headache, but don’t want to ruin the fun… Here’s the thing: Go home. It’s okay. It’s fully legal to tap out when you feel like it. It might seem like you should “power through” just this once but doing that over and over again, will leave you feeling chronically drained and fatigued about going out. Maybe you’re a party animal who has never once complained about this, but if you were drawn to read this article, I’m going to have to assume that’s not the case. Practice honoring your limits! Get into the habit of doing so! Don’t have another drink if you don’t want to, don’t go to the after-party if you’re not feeling it. Don’t say yes to spending time with people if you don’t want to! If your friend wants to come over and chat, but you’re super busy and were planning on getting some exercise in, say you have an hour and ask if they want to meet you to walk the park! This is what I’m working on.
Number Four: Embrace the Discomfort (?)
This one is something that I’m still navigating, hence the “?”… I’m only assuming that the discomfort and social anxiety improves with time, as an introvert that is beginning to try and lean into friendships. I truly have been a (quite content) loner for most of my life, so really putting myself out there isn’t something that comes naturally to me. For now, I am taking care of myself, while simultaneously going outside of my comfort zone, and embracing the inevitable discomfort that accompanies that. The bright side is, that discomfort usually leads to growth. I’ll keep you posted if it does;) (It fucking better!)
Number Five: Be a Friend From Afar
While this post was prompted by my current attempt to get more comfortable with friendships in a social way, there is still so much value in what I’ve always been good at: Showing I care from afar. Let’s be honest, I’m still an introvert, and I don’t have to overdo it with the whole socializing thing. Sending a friend a text to check-in can go a long way. Even one you may not have seen in a while! Do you know that your friend isn’t sleeping well and has to work tomorrow? Send a coffee to their office in the morning. Heading to the grocery store soon? Shoot them a text and ask if they need you to pick up anything. I find that this can also be fun as well! I have recently been having fun putting together a gift basket for a friend who will be entering grad-school. (Coffee packets, herbal tea, blue light glasses, affirmation cards). Point is, I’m enjoying myself, all from the comfort of my bed and the Pinterest app at 2AM.
Number Six: Be Mindful of Who You Are and Aren’t Spending Time With:
If you literally can’t stand someone, you don’t have to hang out with them. If someone is a jerk to you, or if they attempt to make you feel bad about yourself, do not spend time with them! It is better to be alone than it is to be with people who you do not want to be around! Now, as an introvert, this is a tricky one, because I can often convince myself that I don’t really want most people around, and then I begin to isolate. But honestly look at a person’s words and actions. If something feels off, it probably is. Everyone is imperfect, and you don’t always get to choose who you’re around, but when you do (in the case of who you cultivate friendships with) you have every right to be selective! You deserve to be around people who treat you with respect and kindness. Likewise, think of the people you love being around the most! If this is hard for you, think of the people you’d choose to be in a room with if you had to choose. Think of the people who your heart feels the best around. Maybe you’re thinking of an old friend, or maybe it’s your cousin who you haven’t seen in ages. Hold those people close! When was the last time you called? Maybe it’s time to say hi.
<3
Thank you for reading the amateur advice of someone right in the thick of it, trying to figure out how to let people in and not freak out internally. Fellow introverts, cat ladies, bird watchers: Tell me what you know, what you struggle with, what you’re learning! I’d love to hear. Nobody gets me like me, but if you’ve made it to the end of Socializing for Dummies, you’re probably a close second. :)