I haven’t learned everything in my first twenty-one years on this planet, but I have learned that you can’t please the crowd. In fact, I’ve learned that “The Crowd” is so notoriously uneasy to please, that even if you bend yourself into the exact shape that you think they want, they still won’t be collectively happy. I’ve been the person on the stage; attempting to contort myself into the box that will finally get me approval and acceptance. I did that long enough to know that every shape has its critics, and its hecklers. Fortunately, I could only take so many rotten tomatoes to the face until I stood up and launched them back into the crowd.
In my heart, I’ve always loved three things more than anything else: writing, music, and helping others. Truly, these things are where I feel most at home, and where I can reach people the most. However, when I began college, I decided that I would pursue a nursing degree, as I had somehow internalized that I must do one of the five important careers on earth in order to feel any sense of value. Nursing was one of them. I thought that this would get me immediate respect. With that in mind, I have listed below the two most notable comments that I got about this career path:
“So, you’re going to spend your life cleaning bedpans…Do something you’re passionate about, at least.”
“So, you’re going to be “just a nurse” when (insert family members name here) is going to be a doctor? Dang.”
Nursing is one of the most necessary careers for society, and probably one of the most demanding jobs there is. Yet, it still can’t please the crowd.
Eventually, a meeting with a college counselor made it clear to the both of us that I probably wouldn’t thrive the best in the nursing field. This was a fair assessment, as most things medical-related make me light-headed and paranoid at worst or bored out of my mind at best. I spent a long time with an undeclared major, until I had a realization.
The realization came when I was sitting on my bed, frustrated that I had been neglecting my schoolwork to watch hours-worth of YouTube videos. It was my day off, and I was planning on getting some studying done. It was only then that I realized my watch history included titles such as “Understanding the Parasympathetic Nervous System” and “The HPA Axis Explained.” (I’m a really fun time, if you couldn’t tell). It was almost as if a lightbulb went off in that moment: Get a degree in psychology.
The reason why I hadn’t yet? Well, let me gift you with my top two comments I’d received after telling someone I was interested in psychology:
“Eh… I mean everyone I know who studies psychology is… either weird or really crazy.”
“Ah, psychology. The soft science.”
(Bonus comment) “See, that’s fine, but my problem with people that work in mental health is that they act qualified to give everyone else advice, but they usually need all the help they can get themselves. In fact, the lady who I babysit for is a therapist, and she’s the worst mother.”
These comments held me back for so long, and sometimes I am tempted to still let them. Sometimes I am tempted to drop everything and dedicate my life to becoming a neuroscientist (that is also educated on natural and holistic health as to not upset the naturopathic crowd of course)! However, I am realizing that there have always been comments like this, no matter what it is that I do.
When I graduated high school, I started out at community college to save money, until I decided what I wanted to do. What was the worst (and only negative) part of going to community college? Telling people that I was going to community college. It was then that I was met with “Oh… well that’s alright! Nothing wrong with that. I’m sure that’s the smart thing to do.” I longed for the day when those comments would stop. Unfortunately, moving onto a four-year college only welcomes comments about how kids these days are throwing away money on pointless degrees.
I have worked full-time since I graduated high school and have fully funded myself and my education since. When I worked my first job at a family company, I had a friend ask me when I was going to get a real job… as if I wasn’t working full time. When I moved on to my next job in corporate America, determined to get a little space from family-work relationships, I was often asked why I left my last job, when it seemed I was doing so much better there? Now, I work as a teaching assistant, and heard this fantastic line dropped in a conversation I had with someone last week:
“You see, those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” (A quote Google tells me is from George Bernard Shaw, whoever that is).
I think I’ve gotten to the point where I am done listening, done squeezing into boxes and shapeshifting, I’m done even allowing any comment to get to me. I am realizing that it would be ridiculous to do so. In coming to this realization, I’ve taken a look at the people around me, and thought about how this concept applies to them.
I first thought of my mother. My mother has been a stay-at-home mom for her entire life, and I have watched her experience the rotten tomatoes firsthand. I have heard all the comments that come after she responds to the common question: “So, what do you do?” The most common ones include:
“Oh… well I wish I could just stay home all day!”
“Oh… well, great! Nothing wrong with that!” (condescendingly similar to my community college conversations).
Then, there are also the assumptions that my mother is a helpless woman at the whim of the patriarchy, instead of perhaps just a stay-at-home mother by choice. She is also, hands down, the hardest working woman I know. Her heart, her mind, and her gut told her that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, and that is the voice that she listened to, above all else. I think I can take a page out of that book.
This simple knowledge of how society works, leaves me in awe of the people who truly follow their inner voice, and forge their own path. I know it’s not easy. I know every artist that puts their heart out for the world receives criticism that could discourage even the most praised among us. Yet, if any of them had listened, you likely wouldn’t have your favorite art, music, and books today. Every person that’s changed the world through their career path, would not have done so had they allowed themselves to choose a path that they are not suited for. I know every path comes with its own challenges. And I now know, without a doubt, that every hobby, interest, opinion, and decision can and will be criticized. What matters most is how much you listen.
I’m learning to throw the tomatoes back. They still get to me, but I’m noticing that they get to me less. I might have one thrown at my face, red and rotten, and that’s annoying, but I have work to do! I have goals to achieve! I have inner peace to maintain! And listening to the voices of all of those around me, will only throw me off balance. I simply cannot let them, anymore.
As I was writing this, a song came on a playlist that Spotify had curated for my Wednesday. The title was: “Follow Your Arrow," a song by Kasey Musgraves. A sign if I’ve ever heard one.
If you’re in the mood to listen to my message in the form of 2013 coastal-cowgirl country, give the song a listen. It’s a mood booster, I have to admit.
I hope that in a world of wind, noise, and distraction, I learn to tune it out. I hope that above all else, I follow my arrow. I also hope that you’ll do the same.
I applaud you for following your own path and knowing your own heart. People will always have something to say. Even friends at times. The truth is knowing that path is following it even when people don't understand. Often that lack of understanding you is other things. Their own insecurities and jealousy.
I turned down an incredible job several years ago from a friend and mentor I respected to pursue my own path and while it's been challenging I don't regret it. Photography for me allows me to fuse my interests in writing, people, connection, and making meaning for myself and others simultaneously. I'm still figuring it out. But when you carve your own path at least you are doing it on your own terms. Even if you have to learn some hard lessons on the way. At least you are following your own path. Good luck with psychology! Sounds like it will open some amazing doors.
My husband is a psychologist. It’s an amazing field. All the best in your pursuit! (PS, I love the HPA axis too)